MY TRUTH, STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART

I'm the happiest and healthiest I've ever been in my life

What I'm about to share is a lot. I hope you're sitting.

Ryan (my husband from the past 21 years) and I are just going to be friends from now on. And over the course of this time, subconsciously I didn't understand my place in the world.

I was engaged at 19 year old and went straight from my father's house to Ryan's. I've never paid a bill or rent.

Nice, in a way, for my only-child self to feel very taken care of. But have I really been set up for success as an adult female?

Hardly.

And I NEVER wish the same for my 10 year old daughter, Violet.

At the brink of this decision, I thought to myself: Can I really do this? Am I starting over at 42? I am scared shitless. What will people think?

But what I came to realize is simply this: I refuse to drift through the next 40 years of my life without bigger goals. And I'm not starting over, I'm just building on what I have worked so hard for already. Plus, I want to set an example for my daughter that we can do hard, terrifying things and come out alright. I have a new-found independence and it is so GD liberating.

So truth #1: Due to the seemingly lack of control over my decision making most of my adult life up until this point, I was never faithful. I feel in my heart that it was a symptom that something wasn't right in my soul but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I know it was wrong and terrible and awful and I may receive judgment for it. But it is what it is. It's part of my journey and I'm choosing to no longer hide it.

I do see our marriage as a success, though.

I met Ryan when I was 15 years old and we began dating when I was 17. Ryan is a kind, conservative man who says YES to everyone and craves stability. And my heart was telling me this was it. We had a lot of fun times together living in Kearney and then Wahoo. Then we had our precious daughter, Violet, in 2014. We made a great team and created a pretty amazing life together. Life did seem perfect. But when I turned 40, I did not recognize myself. I had gained SO much weight during COVID. I knew it when I started hiding from the camera. I wasn't taking care of myself. All things that were a recipe for unhappiness and a discontented heart, although I didn't realize it at the time.

But I did make some goals for myself:

• move your body once a day
• do 1 other self care thing a day (even if it's a small thing like taking extra time washing my face)
• connect with friends more
• make major changes in my business so I had more time to relax and enjoy life

I am happy to say I was successful in all those things.

After I achieved my first goal, I was onto the next.

I stopped dreaming.

So now let's jump to 2024.

Life. Looks. Awesome.

But what the fuck. I'm happy today, but what about tomorrow? What are my next goals and dreams?? Am I peaking at 42?!

I stopped dreaming big. And I am a Pisces and a total daydreamer. I had become a fish without water looking for a light switch.

ART & FREEDOM has become my mantra.

My 40 over 40 was a catalyst.

If you're unfamiliar with my 40 over 40 project, learn more HERE. But it has been a true catalyst for my lifestyle changes.

Through my first round, I met so many amazing women.... (more on this later) but I met Tiff. And Tiff introduced me to Megan. And Megan has been a game-changer.

Megan is an energy healer and reiki master. We ended up doing a barter - branding photos for a year's worth of sessions. And by my 2nd session, I understood my assignment.

I'll try to not get too 'woo woo' for those of you who don't believe in this sort of stuff, but perhaps after reading this, you'll have at least an appreciation for it.

So our body's have different chakras (energy centers within the body), including the throat chakra, in which she told me mine was BLOCKED. She thought I had some truth I wasn't sharing and the whole point is to feel balanced. So she suggested to remedy that, that I could hum, sing, or journal. I did none of those things in the past....... until the 2nd session.

Violet had a basketball tournament in which I sat alone on the bleachers for literally like 6 hours one Saturday. And let me tell you! I COULDN'T PUT MY IPHONE DOWN. Words were pouring out of me. So strange. I can't explain it. And in my mind it's no coincidence.

Reading through my journal entries, I discovered so many things I needed to get out. And that I finally gave myself permission to to dream again. And those new dreams just didn't include being married to Ryan any longer.

So I sat on it for a month or so. And Ryan could feel the distance. He became clingy and I became paranoid. The closer he wanted to get the more I wanted to push him away. Life became unbearable to me. And Violet was feeling the weirdness, too.

I wrote a 4 page letter to Ryan and I took my ring off.

I thought I should wait until after Christmas to give it to him, but I just. could. not. So I left said letter on the counter and Violet and I went to sleepover at a friend's house so he would have time to be alone and process.

I told him in my letter all the things I just shared with you here. I told him the city was calling me. I told him my dreams did not include staying married and that I just keep hurting him and he deserves a woman who will love him the way he wants to be loved. And that his woman was no longer me.

And you will not believe what happened next....

He emailed me back.

He told me that he had written me a letter, too, which he attached in his email. He said that his letter was a moot point after reading mine but that he felt relief. In his letter to me, he said he would do anything to save our marriage. I was the love of his life and he would change. And I feel that when it's a woman who makes the decision to end a relationship, there's not one single thing the other person could do or say that would make her change her mind. Truth, in this case.

His email response said that even if we're not married, that he would always love me and as long as we both put Violet first he promised to make the divorce amicable.

So that's where we are today in our relationship and surprisingly our communication has never been better. We are sharing an attorney and the divorce should be final by the end of this month.

On telling Violet and all the family and friends...

We limped along with life as usual for a couple weeks ... blaming sleeping in separate beds on Ryan's snoring (which Violet totally bought because she loves sleeping in our big King bed). But we chose a day and our words carefully. I did most of the talking. We felt it extremely important to show a united front and have a plan and tell her that we will always be here to take care of her. We had a parenting plan already in place, including an app installed on her iPad so she knows who she'll be with, when. There were tears, of course, but she has been an absolute champion. I'm so proud of her and I feel that (as a child of divorce, myself) she will have a deep heart of understanding, compassion, patience, and grit through it all. We're still figuring out how many days back and forth, etc.. and what is best for her. We have family dinner every Sunday, too, for now. I moved out in January (more on that in a sec) and left most of the house in tact to keep her life as consistent as possible.

But OMG, telling major news to everyone else we know is TIME CONSUMING. But necessary. I wanted to be sure to tell everyone I'm close with from my own mouth and explain, in detail, the reason, etc...

I was most terrified to tell my Dad. We lured him to Wahoo on a Tuesday and sat him down in the living room. I felt like a child again, so small. But God gave me the right words to say to speak to him in a way he'd understand. It may not seem like it, but Jim Jameson has a huge heart. And he's the last Jameson (because my parents didn't have a boy.) To remind myself daily to not live in fear was to get this tattoo... 'Sine Metu' is Gaelic for 'without fear' and I got it in my dad's handwriting.

Everyone has been so very supportive. It brings me to tears to think about how many people love us and just want us to be happy. I'm so grateful. Because even though I never really like to ask for help, now is the time I'm leaning in on my network.

First things first, I needed a new place to live. I have an amazing friend, Deb, who is also divorced, lives 3 blocks away and is like an aunt to Violet. So when I had her over for coffee to share all my truths, I was praying that she would open up her basement to me. She not only offered with open arms but told me she just was praying on the way over (and had been for weeks) for a roommate. WTF. God is amazing.

And yes, I'm keeping my married name.

Next up: new studio (and a place to live... BONUS)

I called Brett who connected me to Scott who was about to move his law office to a new building in town. Which meant his current office, the original 100-year-old Telephone building in Wahoo would be available. Another God moment. I have ALWAYS loved this building, although never set foot in it. Furthermore, I had always had a deep desire to make a historic property my own with exposed brick, tons of character, and a live-work situation. Truly heaven-sent. In this new space, I'm better equipped to serve my clients. To give them the best experience in my power.

My dream is coming true.

I can't even begin to explain the emotions around what's happening in my life right now. I've hired a contractor who is the sweetest guy, Logan. Cute as a button and so enthusiastic to get started. My dad and so many friends have offered me help. It's all done in my mind and it's fucking beautiful. I can't wait to take you on this journey with me and show you my vision.

The best part is that V and I can reside in the lower level. It's truly perfect... 2 bedrooms and a fenced in yard for the dogs already out back. V can take the bus to and from school and walk anywhere downtown. We're located right across from City Hall, the cop shop, and my neighbors are my dear friends Jen and Theresa at the Chamber office.

666 N Broadway St is our new address!

And if you've made it this far... there's another layer to all this. And I don't care who knows it! #smalltowngossip

I told you I'd tell you more about the women I've met through my 40 over 40.

Enter Heidi. My best friend. I value this woman in my life. She became a client in June and the conversation kept going.

She is beautiful, would do anything for her people, and has awakened something in my soul.

So in addition to sharing my truth, here's my whole truth: I love women. (But really just Heidi) And I feel like I was the last to know. Because the most common response in sharing this with everyone is 'Yeah... I'm not surprised.' and 'We kinda figured!'

huh. I guess my art collection says it all. So. Many. Nudes of women.

Stacy 2.0

Me today... trying not to feel overwhelmed daily is a feat. I'm doing my best to remain peaceful and with servant's heart. But not going to lie - my life is a lot to maintain right now... not being married, single mom, moving, paying rent, purchasing a building, RENOVATING a historic property, and finding time to do self-care in between. My workouts and reiki time with Megan keep me sane. As do my visits to Heidi. I'm laser focused on serving my clients and showing up with the best version of myself. My HONEST self. I hide from nothing anymore.

I'm so unbelievably happy right now. I seriously pause every hour of everyday and pinch myself because I can't believe this is my life. I am so grateful. I wish this feeling for everyone. Life is too short to not live your best life. So if in anyway after reading all this, you're inspired, YAY! And if not, that's OK too. I am who I am and I'm no longer in the dark.